Sometimes "Walk" is an answer!

Being in transition is never comfortable for me.  I would imagine that most people struggle with transition.  Remember puberty?  "Now, wasn't that a fun time!" said no one, ever.  Who doesn't love the awkward transitions your body went through during that time.  The acne, the voice changes, the unsightly new body modifications and associated odors.  For most of us, puberty was a time in our lives where we'd sooner forget than relive. Thus is the nature of transition.  It's awkward, slightly scary and full of uncertainty.

This is my senior year of my undergrad studies at UNC and I can't help but wonder what the future holds. I'm scared.  I hate feeling so out of control.  I hate not knowing what the future holds.  I hate not having it all together and figured out.  This year is also an election year, and in a few short months our country may be headed in a completely different direction.  For some of you, that time cannot come soon enough.  For others, it is a sobering thought.  Nonetheless, it seems that the media is bombarding us with rhetorical advertisements to try and sway our votes.  In many ways, this is the nature of the beast that is politics.  Many of us are going to make a decision based on the information we've been given.  Good, bad or ugly, we must decide what the next best choice is for our country.  I am curious to see what we choose.  

In the same way, I am at a crossroads in my own life.  I can feel the waves of change brush against my shoulders as I walk down this path set before me.  I am unsure of where that path will take me.  For now, the only word I've gotten is, "walk." I guess this word is more appealing than "run" or "stop."  All I know for sure is that I must "walk."  Que es "walk?"  Walking isn't very exciting.  Going through the motions of everyday life, being faithful with what you've been given are all part of "walking."  Walking out our faith in an everyday, practical, non-spiritual way is often times the most rewarding experience but we don't realize it until we can see how far we've come.  

Walking takes dedication, direction and drive.  All three of these must be working in compliance with one another.  Even before you set out on your "walk" you must determine within yourself to be dedicated.  I am not talking about the Christian practice of dedicating a baby, although that's a great place to start.  I am talking about a sincere dedication to the Lord.  It may start with a simple prayer of repentance but once you've taken this step it is only the beginning.  Dedicating your life to Jesus is only the primary response of someone who lives a dedicated life.  The very definition of dedication is: the quality of being dedicated or committed to a task or purpose.  I've heard it said that no one gets anywhere on accident.  It takes purpose to reach a destination.  If you purposefully "walk" toward your destination, you will not accidentally reach it.  In other words, if we are purposeful about where we are going, we will not be surprised at where we end up.  Many times it takes a deliberate move on our part.  For many of us, we must decide we are going to graduate, we must decide we are going to be good friends, we must decide we are going to be good stewards of our finances, we must decide we are going to be faithful spouses, or we must decide we are going to be obedient servants of the Lord.  All of these decisions are part of the "walk" we must take.  

The last part is often the most difficult to live out, it is the "drive." Which literally means "to be motivated or determined by a specifying factor or feeling."  What motivates you? Better yet, who motivates you?  I hope that there are people in your life who are willing to speak truthfully into your life.  I hope that there are people that not only know about the dedication and direction for your life but who are willing to be that "drive" for you when you feel too weak to finish the "walk" or when you've gotten lost along the way.  Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to remind us where we were headed in the first place especially if it seems like we've been traveling a long time.  Surround yourself with "driven" people.  Surround yourself with people who will motivate you to be better than your best!  

Learning to soar

I was overwhelmed by the encouraging responses from my friends and family about my first blog!  It was nice to know that I am not alone, and that there are others who can relate to my awkwardly stubborn submissions to the Lord.  It was interesting that this experience sort of ignited something within me.  It sounds strange, but there have been a few times in my life where I've had that feeling you know, the one where you think “Ah Ha!”  It was like an internal light bulb was tightened and I was able to see things a little more clearly.  I began to think of a caged bird.  Have you ever seen a caged bird?  You know like at the zoo or in the pet store or perhaps you have a bird as a pet.  If so, please don’t be offended by what I’m about to say, but a bird was not meant to be caged.  A bird was meant to be free, a bird was meant to fly, a bird, by design, was made to extend its wings and soar! 

So today was my kiddos first day of school.  I kept having the feeling of being unprepared leading up to the day.  Those who know me well, know that being unprepared is one of my biggest pet peeves.  I took them school shopping because that’s the cultural norm of American consumerism.  You must: buy them clothes they do not need, with money you do not have, to impress friends who do not care.  So there we are at JC Penny’s looking through the picked over clothes trying to find a particular shirt that Abi, my six year old, could not live without.  I had a thought, ‘Don’t do it!’  apparently it was more than a thought cause Abi responded by saying,”Don’t do what, Mom?”  “Don’t grow up!” I said.  She smiled and replied, “But MOM, I have to grow up!”

A few days later, we are writing the kids names on their school supplies with a Sharpie and the thought came again.  ‘Don’t do it!’   This time I talked to Zach about it, we carried on a conversation about how quickly it seemed like our kids had grown.  I remember thinking about how nice it would be when both of them were in school all day, and how I would be able to rediscover myself.  I would have time to devote to things I’d thought I put on hold to pursue a family in the first place.  It seemed like such a far off place.  It seemed like it would take forever to reach this distant almost mystical land.  But here I was overlooking the horizon.  I was so close I could smell it.  It scared me.  I wanted to hit rewind, and go back to a simpler time, where life made sense, where adventure and curiosity were not an option.

Last night, I had the thought again, ‘Don’t do it!’ and I sighed a motherly sigh of worry as I thought of the kids first day of school.  I wondered if they would enjoy it, I wondered if they would fit in, I wondered if they would make friends.  Of course they would, right?  Surely the world can see their potential as I see it, surely the world is willing to embrace them for their pure awesomeness as their mother does.  Right?  I worried, which is exactly the opposite of what I should do but most often my first response to any given situation.  I worried about things I couldn’t fix, change or control.  I felt myself carrying this burden that was too broad for my shoulders to bear. 

Today, as we were getting ready to leave the house I had that feeling that we forgot something.  Sure enough, the Zeigarnik Effect was in full force.  As soon as we pulled into the school parking lot, I remembered what it was, lunch!  How could a parent forget their child’s lunch? Mother of the Year!  We got down from the car,  went through the first day formalities, took pictures fought back tears, the whole nine.  Zekey, walked into his classroom bold and fearless, he started working on a puzzle and waved as we walked out of the room without shedding a single tear.  Abi also sat in her desk and began coloring as though she had found her place in this world.   As we walked out of the classroom, I thought, my biggest worries were dismissed so easily this morning.  The giant issue I was so worried about turned out to be a non-issue.  Besides forgetting lunch, all my worries and concerns were nothing more than a deflated balloon.  

Sometimes we limit God’s influence in our lives by worrying.  We often become like a caged bird, we forget that we were created to soar.  We were created to fly, or rise above our worries and limitations.  I thought of how unhealthy it would be if my children still slept in a bassinet.  When we brought them home from the hospital, they slept in a bassinet next to our bed for the first two months.  They would wake up every couple of hours, like most infants do needing to be fed.  After tending to their needs, we would nestle them into their safe little secure bed until their next feeding.  Imagine how strange it would be for 4 year old, or a 6 year old to sleep in a bassinet, besides the obvious discomfort of being crammed into the little bed.  They would not be able to grow, as most of our growing happens while we are sleeping.  If they were not given room to grow, this would be detrimental to their overall health and wellbeing.  They would become like a caged bird. 

 

A few years ago, I watched the movie Rio.  It’s an animated film about a blue Macaw that was illegally captured in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil and became an American household pet.  Blue, the main character, was a bird that had been caged his whole life.  He didn’t know how to fly, and enjoyed the comfort of his own cage.  Although, he had attempted to learn to fly on his own before, he had never been “pushed out of the nest” so to speak.  He had never been challenged to attempt it, until his life depended on it.  He didn’t know his full potential until he was forced to confront it.  We all have things in our lives that hold us back from reaching our potential we disguise them in things like worry or fear of failure.  Like a caged bird, we hold on to the comfort of the known, for fear of the unknown all the while dreaming of what it would be like to soar. 

I've been told that Eagles build their nests with thorns and cushion them with feathers.  Soon after their eggs hatch, the mama Eagle begins removing feathers from the nest.   One by one, a feather is removed and the eagle begins to experience discomfort.  Eventually the nest becomes so uncomfortable that the eagle never returns, because it has outgrown the nest.  Are there areas in your life that you’ve outgrown?  Are there things that you need to let go of?  Have you been carrying a burden too broad for your shoulders?  Letting go, stepping out in Faith, and trusting in God are never comfortable steps only necessary ones for growth.  Without change growth is impossible!

Crying isn't always a bad thing

Ok, so here I am taking the plunge.  I’ve decided to start my own blog.  As a child, I was in GT creative writing classes.  Go me!  I thought that maybe it had to do with having a bigger imagination as a child or perhaps that my imaginary world was more appealing than my reality.  In many ways, writing has always been an escape.  I think that for me writing is my art, subjective, vulnerable and a bit sporadic but in every way expressive.  I’ve always dreamt of writing books for inspiration, children’s series (in which I already have a few short stories).  I figured the only way for me to grow in this area is to subject it to others, and to God.  Yes, I believe in God most days.  I have tried to find fulfillment in many other things but they have all left me longing for more, something deeper.   So with the nudge from my BBFF and my husband, I am walking down this path.

            Last night, I sat with my husband on our living room (uncomfortable) couch and cried.  Yes, literally cried.  This doesn’t sound unusual, a woman, crying.  Except it sort of is unusual for me, it’s true, something strange happened when God created me and my husband.  Zach is more of the sensitive one whereas I’d like to think I’m the more sensible one.  I think we both defy the gender stereotypes when it comes to crying or being sentimental.  In fact one year around our anniversary time, Zach called me saying, “Guess what today is?”  I thought ‘oh no, it’s not our anniversary is it?’  Had I truly forgotten the importance of the day?  Well it ended up being the first day we met or kissed or something.  I still have trouble remembering the significance in that particular day. 

I grew up in house full of boys, being the only girl, perhaps I picked up a few habits from them like my crying intolerance. I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate when other’s cry, because I truly believe that crying is part of God’s healing process.  I am simply saying that somewhere along the line I’ve forgotten the importance of crying.  I am not talking about when you stub your toe and accidentally let out a few loud lewd words and alligator tears…followed by asking for forgiveness of course! J 

The type of crying that I’m talking about is the type of emotion that comes after a complete loss of words.  The type of crying that is found in a place of hopelessness and loss.  I’ve been in this place a few times before.  And every time I find myself there again, I am at a loss for words.  It’s like I am suddenly that lost little girl again longing for an escape.  I desperately want to have it all together and be eloquent in my approach to God but somehow I feel so inadequate. I feel as though, I don’t want to bother him with my petty little issues because he’s had a long, hard day at work.   I think that my perception of God stems from my perception of men. 

This has been a unique summer filled with its fair share of personal breakthroughs and personal heartbreaks. It seems that these two often complement one another in an oddly unique way.  I’ve had personal breakthrough, a redefined purpose and a renewed faith in God.  It has not come cheap.  I’ve always heard old time preachers say that salvation is free but serving the Lord costs you everything you’ve got.  I agree. When you invite God to be an integral part of your life, he really does move in and take residence.  Like newlyweds you sort through one another’s junk to establish what should be kept, except God doesn’t have junk.  It becomes difficult when you realize that you are the one who has do the “changing.”  So there you are in that desolate place between your pride and your freedom.  The place where you need to be but don’t want to be. 

This is the place I found myself last night, on our uncomfy couch tucked away into my husband’s arms, crying as the song Redeemed by Big Daddy Weave (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzGAYNKDyIU) repeated over and over on our playlist.  I cried about the things I don’t understand.  I cried about the things that I figured would happen by now but haven’t.  I cried about the discomfort of the unknown.  I could not hold back the tears in this vulnerable place I found myself in, so I just cried.  After drenching my husband’s t-shirt with tears, I found the strength to get up off the uncomfy couch and move on.   The verse that rang in my ears was, “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly (Matthew 11:27-29, The Message).” 

Works Cited

The Message. (1993-1996, 2000-2002). Matthew 11: 27-29;passage lookup. Retrieved August 13, 2012, from Biblegateway.com: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+11:27-29&version=MSG

Weave, B. D. (Composer). (2012). Redeemed. [Big Daddy Weeve, Performer]

(The Message, 1993-1996, 2000-2002)

(Weave, 2012)