5 Simple Rules for Fighting Fair

In premarital counseling classes or in conversations, couples will often ask what our secret is to staying "happily" married.  First off, there is no such thing as "happily ever after."  Dream killer, I know.  Zach and I have been married for ten years now and although we are in no way experts on the subject, we've learned a few things about resolving conflict.  These are rules that we've come up with through trial and error on how to fight fair.  So we compiled a list that might be helpful to you if or when you find yourself in said conflict.  It's called the, "Never Don't Validate Time Rule (spoken in your thickest southern accent)" or NDVTR for short.  Ingeniously named by Zach who used the first word from each phrase (feel free to rename it).    

1. Never say never!  Avoid words like always, never, divorce or retarded (because it's offensive).
In the words of Justin Beiber, "I will never say never....I will fight till forever."  No, I do not have Beiber Fever but I believe there's power in your words.  "Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit-you choose (Proverbs 18:21 MSG)."  Call me crazy but I would choose fruit over poison any day of the week and twice on Sunday.  By avoiding words that kill, you are creating healthy habits for resolving conflict. 

2. Don't fight below the belt!  Don't address things you cannot change (height, gender, race, culture, heritage, etc.)  Comparing the other person to someone else is unfair.  Don't get caught up in phrases like, "you're just like your father"  or "you're only saying that because you are _______ (adjective)."  "A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire (Proverbs 15:1 MSG).  When you use your words to add fuel to the fire, you're fighting below the belt, and this automatically disqualifies you from winning the argument.  

3. Validate the other person's feelings.  Feelings are fleeting, but by validating their feelings, you are saying, I respect your opinion even though I disagree with it.  You can do this by saying things like, "so what you're saying is..." or "to recap on what you just said...".  "Hot Tempers start fights; a calm, cool spirit keeps the peace (Proverbs 15:18 MSG)."   You disarm and diffuse their argument by keeping calm and finding peaceful resolutions.  

4.  Time heals all!  Give the other person time to process but never go to bed mad.  Sleeping on the couch isn't cool after college.  Period.  Ephesians 4:26-27, "Go ahead and be angry.  You do well to be angry-but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge.  And don't stay angry.  Don't give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life." The quickest way to end an argument is by saying two simple words: "I'M SORRY!" 

5.  Rule of best intentions.  Always give the other person the benefit of the doubt.   Conflict is a direct result of concern.  If it didn't matter, you wouldn't argue about it.  However, by giving the other person the benefit of the doubt you're not making any assumptions about their intentions. "...everyone should listen much and speak little.  He should be slow to become angry.  A man's anger does not allow him to be right with God (James 1:19-20)."  Listening much and speaking little, is so foreign to our modern day culture but we must resist the urge to be right.  My husband always says, "you can be right or you can be happy but you can't be both!"  (Maybe that's why he's always so happy!)  When we are slow to anger, we are doing our best to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  I'd rather be right with God than be "right" alone.   

Building healthy relationships takes time and effort (from both parties) but if you are willing to apply these simple rules you might just find your "happily ever after!"  Let the fighting begin!

From Face to Face

Do you have a Facebook account? If so, how often do you check it?  

A few weeks ago our church did a corporate fast as we sought the Lord's direction for us in this new season. You could fast from food, things or activities.  The first few days I fasted meals but decided to up the ante and fast from Facebook for a week.  This was quite possibly the longest and surprisingly the most productive week I've had in a long time.  If you're like me, you do have a Facebook account and you check it quite frequently (multiple times, daily).  The problem is that they have an app for your phone so you get notifications every time someone "tags" you in a post or when they comment on something you've posted (ain't nobody got time fo dat!). Which is great for keeping in touch with long distance friends and family, not so much for everyday productivity. 

I was reading my devotions recently and came across this verse: Exodus 3:6b, "Moses hid his face, afraid to look at God."  This is how we know Moses didn't have a Facebook account.  All joking aside, why do you suppose he was afraid.  If we read a few chapters earlier we learn his history.  We discover some possible reasons why he hid his face.  I've compiled a list in Dave Letterman form, drum roll please....

Top Ten Reasons why Moses hid his face: 

10. He saw a burning bush (which wasn’t consumed).    

9. He saw a “talking” burning bush (ooh wee, cookooie). 

8. He had a severely disfigured face (totally joking). 

7.He was afraid of what God would say to him. 

6.He didn’t want to go back to Egypt (or confront his past). 

5. He was ashamed because of his past (his past kept him paralyzed). 

4. He felt unworthy. 

3. He felt disqualified because he stuttered (no wonder I like him).  

2. He was an outlaw.  

1.   He’d forgotten or was unsure of who he really was.

As you read that list, if you're like me, you could probably relate to at least half of those excuses, I mean "reasons." Exodus 3:11, 'Moses answered God, "But why me? What makes you think that I could ever go to Pharaoh and lead the children of Israel out of Egypt?'  When we look at Moses' life at the time of this miraculous encounter with God, we find out that not only  did he flee from Egypt because he murdered a guy but now he's herding sheep on the "backside of the desert" for his father in law Jethro.  This is not exactly the type of leader you and I would have chosen.  If he was running for office today, we would not pick him as our next president.  He's not the type of guy we want leading an entire nation.  This is exactly why God chose him.  And continues to choose people like you and I today. 

1 Corinthians 1:26-31

Take a good look, friends, at who you were when you got called into this life. I don’t see many of “the brightest and the best” among you, not many influential, not many from high-society families. Isn’t it obvious that God deliberately chose men and women that the culture overlooks and exploits and abuses, chose these “nobodies” to expose the hollow pretensions of the “somebodies”? That makes it quite clear that none of you can get by with blowing your own horn before God. Everything that we have—right thinking and right living, a clean slate and a fresh start—comes from God by way of Jesus Christ. That’s why we have the saying, “If you’re going to blow a horn, blow a trumpet for God.”

What this scripture is NOT saying is: "time to take up trumpet lessons."  Or "hey, you should join a jazz band!"  What it's saying is if you want to boast in anything boast in God.  I'm reading a book about spiritual leadership and here's an excerpt that is applicable.

Once Saint Francis of Assisi was confronted by a brother who asked him repeatedly, "Why you? Why you?" Francis responded, in today's terms, "Why me what?"  "Why does everyone want to see you? Hear you? Obey you? You are not all so handsome, nor learned, nor from a noble family.  Yet the world seems to want to follow you," the brother said.  Then Francis raise his eyes to heaven, knelt in praise to God and turned to his interrogator:   

You want to know?  It is because the eyes of the Most High have willed it so.  He continually watches the good and the wicked, and as His most holy eyes have not found among sinners any smaller man, nor any more insufficient and sinful, therefore He has chosen me to accomplish the marvelous work which God hath undertaken; He chose me because He could find none more worthless, and He wished to confound the nobility of grandeur, the strength, the beauty and the learning of this world (Spiritual Leadership, J.Oswald Sanders, 2007). 

When we read in Exodus 33:11a, the bible says, "The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend." So how did Moses go from the guy who hid his face to the guy who spoke to God face to face?  What changed?  His perspective.  Instead of focusing on his weaknesses, he learned how to focus on God's strength.  He went from telling God how big his problems where to telling his problems how big his God is.  Because of his faith an entire nation was delivered from slavery.  What would happen in our lives if we updated our prescription and changed our focus (Rhetorical question)?  Imagine how different our world would be if we stopped hiding our face from God and started meeting Him face to face.